Catching my breathe

The past few weeks have flown by with no apology for time flying by. This year has been a strain on everyone. Covid 19 has our country turned upside down and I haven't been able to sleep soundly due to stress. I have to take a break from life and that means without the family. Looking forward to driving to Long Island so I can spend a day with myself just lay on the beach and think about my life.

Lately I have seen other women filmmakers sprout with their films and series while I am stuck in an artists funk. Ervin hasn't noticed I am unhappy he is tuned in to his mother which has had priority since I have moved here. So tired of living in a shadow of his Mom don't get me wrong I love her as well but there comes a time when your significant other should be number one.

My son, Joval has not been forthcoming with his situation in jail he still won't explain to me why he was indicted but then he wants to me to call folks to assist him. I have been ignoring his calls because he has been stressing me out asking me to do things for him and he can't be honest with me.

My dream is to purchase a sail boat next year and move to the islands. I am quite tired of being in Rochester and have said this more than once I need to go. Just like I made a plan to escape NYC I need to make a plan to escape Rochester. I am not getting any younger and I have waited patiently for Ervin to move us but he won't so it's up to me to make myself happy. I understand this is his home but what I won't accept is standing still. I opened a business with him and he hasn't made much effort to learn how to drone. I made a bad decision going into business with him because he is NOT motivated to want to learn or progress that is frustrating to say the least.

Since I have turned fifty I realized it's time to write my book and live for myself. I have raised my children and Erin will be out of the house within five years. I need to be happy the last years of my life and do what makes me happy. I have sacrificed my career for a humble life in the hood and I can do better than this I know I can. As long as I have my health I can make a change in my lifestyle.

Today we have plans to go horseback riding today with Stephanie and the boys. Hope Erin and the boys enjoy themselves I know it's been hard for the kids since Covid.

I have to catch my breathe soon because my creativity is dying if I don't catch my breathe.

A Horses Friend

To

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day Erin and I went horseback riding at Matthews Ranch in Rush, NY. The first few minutes were tense for Erin because she hadn't rode in three years so she was out of the loop but I was more out of the loop than she was because he had to tell me to keep loosening my grip. I was happy to be riding though the trail wasn't much to look at and the woman didn't inform us to wear long sleeves due to the bugs and trees.

Awareness

My life has been going a mile a minute and I feel like I am trying to catch up. Erin graduated sixth grade and is on her way to the seventh grade for next year. The Covid 19 Pandemic has really had its toll on our lives. The Black Lives Matter revolution continues to march and protest for the victims Breonna Taylor and George Floyd Our nit wit president Troll is acting like a jack ass he won't wear his mask publicly. What really gets me is how can he can be a leader and not seta n example. My Sun's who are incarcerated have me mailing them money every two weeks which becomes so taxing. Many folks don't understand the pain that goes with having a loved one incarcerated, the nagging feeling of hoping they will be ok and not get hurt while being in prison.

Sachee has been doing quite well staying at home with the baby. I am proud of raising him to be a responsible father. The way he looks and plays with Lila is contagious because they sincerely have a father and daughter connection at four months.

This week I did a video to record what happened to me in 1993, when officers publicly beat me and dragged through Penn Station. My children tried to stop the officers from choking me to death behind a dumpster but one officer kicked my ten year old in the back and my eight year old was slapped across his face by two grown men. Reliving the officers beating me and seeing Jovals face watching me get beat by these grown white men had to be scary for him he was only four years old. I really don't think white amerikkka understands the severity of being

I never thought I would want to leave America, living here all my life not knowing anything else but this place. Lately I have been researching where I can live humbly when Erin graduates from High School. The racism and economics really has me wanting to run now but I know I have to be careful to make a conscious decision. I feel like America is changing and not for the good. I keep hearing the Troll state he wants to make America great again, my question is what does the troll mean? Does he mean bring back slavery again? It concerns me where Black people stand and what is next for us in the near future. I am not sure where Ervin will agree to move I know it has to be a warm environment...